It’s 3am and I won’t be able to sleep any longer tonight. Oliver will wake up at 4am and fuss a bit. I’ll give him a pacifier and he’ll go back to sleep for another half hour. I stare at the ceiling trying to sleep, trying to ignore the thoughts I have about my father. When Oli wakes again at 4:30 I’ll feed him the 4 ounces he missed because he fell asleep earlier than expected the night before.

While I feed him in his nursery, we watch each other. This little soul sees right through me. He makes everything better. I know how much he needs me, and he knows even better how much I need him. I can feel it in the weight of his stare. After his bottle he curls up, burps and falls asleep in my arms. I decide that I am not going to return to bed. I just want to hold him until the sun comes up. I take comfort in being the father I never had.